It stings!

I feel the need to just throw my hands up in the air and say Whatever! And it really isn't about anything in particular. The sad part is, it is about everything.

Every. Single. Thing.

I am weary. Tired. Exhausted.

The emotional rollercoaster that we have been on for the past couple days has really taken it's toll. And while I appear to be strong, deep down I still feel so uneasy about so much. I think part of it has to do with the uncertainty of things. For instance, what would we do if Tim suddenly lost his job? If he became disabled? If he became very ill and couldn't work any longer? How would we survive financially?

When I made the decision to return to school and pursue a nursing degree, I did so for a couple different reasons. One of the primary reasons was because I wanted to do something that made a difference. A difference in others lives, in my life, and in the lives of my family. I wanted to be able to provide a stable income with great job security. And I wanted to have something that would provide for my family, my children, myself in the event that something should happen to Tim's health, his job, or even his life. I know too many people who have gone through life and suddenly tragedy struck. Their lives were turned upside down and they lost every single thing they had. And why? Because they were not prepared. They didn't have a stable two-income home. They had one. One good income. And when they lost it, they were left only to wonder, Now What?

I feared that. I did not want that for us. And I knew that I had a purpose in life. It was meant for me to help others. Nursing would be the outlet for me to reach that goal.

Even though the strike was short lived, (and I thank God for that), the fact of the matter is, this very thing has shown us a little more of what life could be like. I'm ashamed to admit it but quite honestly, that "nest egg" that is always talked about does not exist in our household. As much as we would love to have a "rainy day fund", we do not. And now that we have had the crap scared out of us in the past 48 hours, we are both looking a little deeper into what we need to do in order to better prepare.

Investments? Savings? Oh, how we would love to do those things. But the fact of the matter is, we simply can not. And at this point in our lives, we really should have thought about that and started doing those things already. Don't get me wrong, we have nice things, the children are well cared for, and we are blessed. But is that enough? Not at all.

It's hard to admit failures, isn't it? To think that we have failed in one form or another is sometimes hard to swallow. And as I sat, talking with our oldest son tonight, I felt that somehow, I may have let him down. I may have failed. My heart hurt. We talked about the possibility of selling our home. The need to downsize the payment, more than anything. And while I know he doesn't fully comphrend the financial aspects of life yet, I know he has an idea. His words to me stung.
"Mom, I don't want to move. I like our house. We will end up somewhere without land and without a yard. It won't be fun anywhere else. I want to stay here."
And before I said anything, I thought. And then replied,
"J, I know you don't want to move. But I promise, no matter where we move to, it will be okay. You will have fun. You will have a yard. And you will have your mom and your dad. Remember, we said this was an adventure? We will be okay."

I want what every other person in America wants. I would love to be debt free. But wanting it and achieving it are two very different things. I want to be able to go on family vacations (and often would be a dream!!). I want to see my husband smile because he is finally getting the vehicle he has wanted for such a long time. I want to feel a little less strapped financially. And I want to feel that burden lifted sooner rather than later. I want to know that once I am finished with school that the income I bring in is going to make things even better and not be "just enough" to get by.

So I guess the point of my long, drawn out posting is that ultimately, we have decided to see what we can do in order to sell our home. Unfortunately, the way the market is these days, it more than likely will not move for a long time. But I think in light of the recent events, we have realized that our lives would be much less stressful without such a large mortgage payment looming each and every month. I have no idea where we will go, what type of home we are even looking for, or any of the details. All I know is that we need to downsize our debt.

Until next time...
Be safe!