Thoughts filling my head...

Happy Birthday to my Mom! (Tues, May 22) You don't look a day over....oh.....30!

In other news (sigh)...

This isn't one of my best days, by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know what it is with me today but it's just one of those days that you want to go hide out in a cave for a few days. I'm about 8 days from my next period (that is, if it were to arrive on day 28) so maybe that is part of it. However, the likelihood of it arriving "on time" is slim to none. In any event, I'm just not feeling "my self" the last couple days.

My mind is wandering endlessly, hour after hour. My anxiety is building, minute by minute. My pain is still lingering, but is something I've grown used to. My body is tired from not being able to get restful sleep. My fears are surfacing even though I'm using great strength in pushing them away. But have no fear...before long, this leg of the journey will be over.

I thought I had a "handle" on how I was feeling. I felt I was strong and had no fears. I was wrong. I've read the story of other womens journeys and found that these thoughts are quite common at this point in their journey. I know that I'm "normal" (although some wouldn't agree) in my feelings at this point. I hate feeling like I'm not in control. I hate being vunerable. And most of all, I hate admitting that I'm feeling that way!

I think some of the biggest things that are on my mind are being away from the kids, the pain, the recovery, the feeling of being inadequate as a wife and mother due to my postop restrictions, and of course the fear of the unknown is so very great.

I know the kids will be well taken care of. But they are my kids. They are my responsibility. I want to be there to tuck them in, to send them off to their last two days of school. I want to hear the excitement in their voices when they come home and exclaim that they are now First, Second and Fifth graders! I want to hear Miss Em sneak into my room bright and early with a snack. I want to hear her say, "Momma, it's wake time. Can I have a snack?" I want to watch Jonathon with that devilish look on his face as he tries to take just one more step. I want to witness him master the art of walking, the very first time! (Which I wouldn't be shocked if he does this during our time apart). And while all of these worries seem so petty, they are on my mind...alot. As I said, I know they will be taken care of. I know that they will have a great time playing and enjoying their mini vacation from momma. And I hope they know just how much I'm going to miss them. Even though it's only going to be for 4 days...I'm going to miss them...alot!

Maybe much of this anxiety stems from the fact that I don't know how to do "nothing." I've always had a child (or a few) to take care of. I've never just had to focus on "just me", even after having a baby. I still had to take care of the baby or other children. This time, it's "just me." Or, maybe I'm afraid I'm going to be lonely, much like I was when I was laid up in the hospital after having the last three kids. I was alone in the hospital, my baby was not with me. I remember being so lonely and crying because I was alone. Maybe that's where this fear is stemming from. I'm not sure.

I do worry about the pain. I am so thankful for pain relief and I plan to take full advantage of the options I'll have. I just remember the first week post c-section and the incredible pain that I experienced. I can only hope that this pain isn't as great. I hope that the hyst can be completed vaginally without any complications (or episiotomy). I hope my uterus & tumors are not too large that they have to take them abdominally. But if that happens, I'm so grateful for the person who invented narcotics!! Even with the LAVH and TOT, I'll still have two vaginal incisions, an incision on each side of my groin, and 3-4 abdominal incisions.

The recovery is going to be a slow, long, recovery...I fear. My restrictions are great. Especially combining the two surgeries together. I'll be sore, slow moving, and unable to perform much of what I do on a typical day now. There will be no lifting, tugging, pulling, pushing, jumping, etc. Lifting a gallon of milk is not an option. Lifting a pan of food isn't allowed. And certainly, lifting my lil 16 month baby is out of the question (YES!! He's 16 months old today!! WOW). I know that in time, my restrictions will be lifted...one by one. My biggest fear is that I'll become frusterated and do something so stupid that it will undo something they've fixed. I have to remind myself that even if I'm "feeling" better, I am still healing...especially internally.
Much of the restrictions I will have is what will make me feel inadequate. I'm going to be more dependant on those that love me and care for me instead of me taking care of them. Tim is going to have even more responsibilites put upon him as well. I have great faith that he will do an excellent job. He's a great provider. I just hate the fact that, yet again, I am putting him in the position of taking on a greater workload. He's been put in that position with each of the pregnancies, the bedrest and restrictions. I just hope he's up to the challenge once again. And of course, I'm thankful that he's here. I suppose I could compensate him later once the sexual restrictions are lifted (snicker)...

And of course, as I said, the fear of the unknown is constantly creeping in my brain these last few days. So much that I haven't been getting to sleep until well into the next morning. Last night it was after 4am before I fell asleep, waking at 6:30 to get the kids off to school. Today, it's already after 2am and I'm up composing this blog.

On a side note, If anyone has any good "quick meals" or "frozen meals" that I can make ahead of time and freeze, could you pass them along to me. Ideas and receipes that is, not the actual meals (smile). I'm planning on doing a big meal making the weekend prior to surgery so that once the kids do come home to be with me, I'll have some quick meals to pop in the oven or microwave without much prep time (or being on my feet). Also, if you've had a hyst or bladder repair, could you send me any suggestions on what helped you during your recovery or during your hospital stay, etc. I'd appreciate them, greatly!!

Again, Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, phone calls, emails, and for just being there. As the days draw closer, my stress level increases. I'm pretty sure it's the presurgery jitters. I'm confident that this is the route that we need to go but I just wish we'd get there already! :)

Have a great day. I'm going to try to catch a few hours of restful sleep now that I have some pain meds working. 2:15am. Not bad....

Until next time...