But I made time.
Today is my day. My day to have a meltdown. My day to feel like a whiny crybaby. My day to be frusterated, upset, scream, cry, and mope. (All in the privacy of my own home without anyone else watching)
But why, you ask?
Well, grab a cup of tea (or a can of Dew, if you're like me) and take a seat. It's time for Becky to do some *itchin! If you don't want to "hear it" feel free to leave now. This is my pity party!
I warned you! (as I try to put up a fake-I'm-okay-smile)
I'm a wreck today. Really, I thought I had a handle on everything. Yesterday after my doctor appointment, I felt numb. I didn't know what to feel. As the evening progressed and the kids grew horns, my nerves were frazzled and I felt the need to just crawl into bed. That didn't happen, mind you. Instead, I stayed up until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and then went to bed to let my eyes shut and my mind race. Once I finally fell asleep, I woke up rested but in pain.
Today, my nerves are shot. I want to be alone, without responsibilities! Tim took Em with him to do errands while I sit here for the afternoon to try to relax. Jonathon is resting peacefully for his nap. I started making lists, because that's what I'm good at. I'm nervous, anxious, overwhelmed and so many other things about the upcoming surgery. So, since I'm a list maker, bear with me as I begin my lists here as well....
The Kids: This is my #1 concern right now, ironically enough. I'm their momma. I am the one that takes care of them and when I can't...who will. Then the guilt comes in. I feel guilty for "pushing" them off on to someone else and I feel guilty for not being there for the kids. Even though I would do it for other people, in a heartbeat, I have a hard time letting others do it for me. It's not as if I have one or two children that need tending to. I have F-I-V-E! I don't want to burden anyone else with having to take care of my responsibilities. Perhaps it's that control freak in me? The need to feel that I have everything under control when I truly have no control at all? I don't know. So, this is my main priority right now and I'm having a hard time dealing with this aspect of it all. My best bet, right now is that I will need to have the kids stay with someone Tuesday and Wednesday, for sure. After that, I have no idea. I'm still trying to "figure it all out" and it's driving me crazy. One of the other issues is that the day I go in and the following day are 1/2 days of school for the kids and their last days of the year!! ACK!!!!!!!!!
Tim: This is my #2 concern right now. He's now on a new shift. He's trying to adjust to that. His vacation time is g-o-n-e. He is able to get the FMLA but it's unpaid and since his income is our only source of income, we can't have him taking time off unless it's necessary. So, I have decided (pending any emergencies or such) that he can go to work once I'm in recovery if he's feeling up to it. There is no need for him to be sitting at my bedside while I am doped up that first night. Besides, he does better with stressful situations when he is doing something and kept busy. My only concern is that we need to be at the hospital early and that he won't have much in the way of sleep. I don't want to risk him falling asleep while at work or behind the wheel while coming home so maybe it's better that he doesn't go into work that first night. ARGH! See....that controlling nature is creeping back! On the up side, he is suppose to have a scheduled layoff the week following my surgery, which will be so helpful.
Yard Work: You'd think this would be a non-issue for me but honestly, it's not. I've got a garden to get planted, my flowers to get planted, and a ton of weeding to get finished up. And I am working on it... Only four more weeks to get it in order.
House Work: This is one thing that ranks up there in the "driving me nuts" category. Knowing that I will be down for the count for a while, and knowing that my methods are not the same as my husband and childrens methods, I have this urge to get it all in tip top shape...before surgery. The problem...I have no energy. The weekend before, I am hoping to make sure all laundry is finished, folded, & put away. All bedding is washed. Towels are washed and ready. Floors mopped, tubs scrubbed, toilets cleaned, etc. etc. etc.
Meals: We have to eat! I'm going to start searching for things to have on hand, things to make up ahead of time, and quick freezer meals. We shall see....
Ohhhh there is so much more on my mind but since Jonathon is still sleeping and Tim & Em are still gone...I'm going to head outdoors to work on my flower beds. I'm sure these next few days, you'll hear alot of
What in the world is growing in my uterus!!!
Until next time...
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