Lost, Gained and Letting Go...

My heart, full of joy, still feels so broken. I suppose that happens during these things. The children spent the last 9 nights away from me. The house was quiet. Too quiet. I can't express how much I missed them. Their stories, their giggles and even their bickering fill my heart in ways nothing else can. They truly are a blessing, each one of them. And while I have welcomed them home with open arms, enjoying each and every hug, kiss and snuggle, there is still an unwelcomed void in my heart tonight.

I suppose the feelings I am having are pretty normal. Even so, normal or not, the void in my heart is gaping. Will it ever heal? They say time heals all wounds yet as time continues to pass, the wound seems to become more inflammed, more eroded and aches for a layer of protection and comfort. The sting has progressed into a searing pain that refuses to ease up. Time continues to pass and I continue to wait.

The last seven months have taught me to expect the unexpected. Predict the unpredictable and question motives, sincerity, and honesty in people I never questioned before. In seven months, I have learned things about myself that I never knew, acknowledged or accepted in my previous 32 years of life experience. And while I know that everything happens for a reason and we may not know why until a later date, the fact remains that these life lessons were learned at a great cost. I have often asked why I couldn't have learned these lessons in another way rather than by "losing" my husband, my marriage, my family unit, my home, my dreams, my life. It then occurrs to me that while it feels like I "lost" so much, the focus must shift to what I've gained.

A deeper love for and from my children.
A more personal bond with them.
The respect of my children by staying true to my word and for being honest with them.
An intense desire to protect, nurture and guide each of my children far beyond my motherly instincts.

I have gained...

A number of wonderful, supportive, friends who have helped me through this difficult time.
A new understanding of letting go and letting be.
Affirmation that a marriage and/or relationship requires a partnership in which giving is not one-sided.
The knowledge that I am capable of reaching goals I never thought were possible.
The acceptance that I am deserving of more than I received.
Insight that there are others who deeply care about me and desire to show that to me.
An ability to trust in Him and in others even if it means I may get hurt.
Faith that there is a bigger picture than what I am able to see right now.
Hope that I will make the best decisions for my children and myself.

I have gained...

Self respect.
New goals, dreams and desires.
A new outlook on my future.
Forgiveness for myself and others even if it is a difficult work in progress at times.
A new start where anything is possible as long as my heart stays open yet guarded.
And the ability to love, not only others but also myself.

"Almost don't matter. You got to deal with the situation at hand."

These words jumped off the page as I read "If I Stay" last night. How true they are.

I almost celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary.
But I didn't.

Instead, I gained five precious children over the course of a 14 year marriage.

"Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you."