Christmas Past...

Now that I'm getting (ahem) older, it seems that the whole atmosphere of Christmas has changed. I'm not talking subtle changes. These are huge, drastic changes. Often times, I find myself trying to recreate the "magic" I once felt as a kid so that my children feel that same "magic." Well, and so I can feel it once again as well.

I understand I'm not a kid anymore and that it's now about my kids. The traditions I once knew have faded and I find myself longing for those days again. The many nights we spent at my Grandparents on Christmas Eve surrounded by our Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. The surprise visits from Santa, who knew the exact time that we were going to all be there. The nights we laid in bed, unable to sleep out of sheer excitement. The many nose prints we left on our bedroom window as we peered out into the night sky trying to spot Rudolph. We saw him. We really really did. His bright red nose was leading Santa's sleigh right to our house.

Even after I married and started my family, the spirit was still there. It wasn't until we lost some very dear family members that Christmas was changed forever. The routine was broken. Things changed. And the new traditions and routines started.

Our Christmas traditions have changed. Uncle Steve has been gone for nine years. Grandpa passed away over eight years ago. Grandma has moved. The Christmas eve visit at Grandma's house has dwindled. It's not how it was when I was growing up. It's the holidays that remind you of what it used to be like. I miss my Grandpa. Very very much. I remember vividly how he would sit in his recliner, watching his children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren opening the gifts they were able to give. I remember his father, my great grandfather, sitting in the opposite corner in the other recliner so many years ago. The hustle and bustle mixed in with the squeals of delight that filled the house was sometimes overwhelming. The counter was lined with delicious foods and Grandma's homemade meatballs. The snackbar was lined with Grandma's homemade cookies and candy that she made every single year. The house was lined wall to wall with family and many many children. As kids, we would take our treasures we received and find a place to play. Even the bathroom was found to be a good play area on Christmas Eve. It's these things, these wonderful memories that cause my heart to feel heavy this holiday season. To know that my children won't have these same magical memories. To know that they won't get to experience the same Christmas Eve that I was able to for so many years breaks my heart. To know that they will never know the Grandpa that I knew or have the memories that I have of such a wonderful man, breaks my heart.

I try to keep traditions going for my kids. Christmas eve, so far, we still make a trip to Grandma's, where Great Grandma and many other extended family drop by. However, many of them no longer show up. And Christmas Day, we spend here at home. We cook a mid afternoon ham dinner and invite those interested in stopping by to do so. We have one family that usually joins us on Christmas day with their little one. That's it. Christmas with my side of the family is nonexistent. Christmas with the inlaws is held whenever most can attend, usually trying to keep it around the weekend before.

My wish is that my children feel that "magic" that I felt growing up. The excitement of going to Grandma & Grandpa's house. The nights that you can't fall asleep because your too anxious for Santa. I hope I'm creating that magic for them. And I hope they too create it for their children. Or maybe, just maybe, Tim and I will be able to create the magic for our grandchildren just as my grandparents always did for me.

Many Blessings to each of you this Christmas!