Suck it up, Butt Cake!

The other day, Emilee had tried to copy something she heard us say earlier in the week. The only problem; however, is that she didn't hear us correctly. So, instead of "Suck it up, Cupcake" she said, "Suck it up Butt Cake!" It was one of those moments that you just had to be here to appreciate. :)

Another one of those moments was watching a friend of mine, while sitting with my inlaws, try to utter an explaination to her daughter who asked what "this means" (as she did the hand gesture for "Doing it", you know, the way we might have done when we were in middle school). I'm not sure who was more shocked, my friend or myself. My inlaws just giggled as we tried to let her know that it was an inappropriate gesture.

Things here are settling down. It's taking a while, but I think my blood pressure is starting to decrease and my mood is beginning to improve. Today has been one of the better days in the past week. It has been a difficult and extremely stressful week but I am thinking that we are now on an upswing.

Today, we worked on cleaning the house, doing the laundry and making sure wood was cut and stacked. It took most of the day but it was so worth it. I love looking at a kitchen with clean counters and clean floors! I mopped all the floors the old fashioned way, on my hands and knees! My hands are dry from the cleaning solution and my back is sore but the look and smell of clean floors makes it worth it.

Tonight I had my ER orientation. I'm pretty excited about the ER clinicals. I'm also a little nervous too! Afterwards, my hubby met myself and three other classmates and we all went for a burger. We shared some interesting stories, had plenty of laughs and enjoyed our time out. It gave us two hours of time together which we needed!

The past two days I've been spending researching different options for my future. I'm feeling "burnt out" with school. I'm becoming more frustrated with the RN programs which is causing me to just want to "give up" on my goals. So, I've spent some time reevualating my goals and looking at what called me to the nursing field to begin with. I want to help people. And so, after talking with my hubby and several people, I realized that maybe I needed a change of pace. I have no doubt that my calling is still to help people. I still believe that medicine is where I belong. However, for now, I am going to try another route until I can resubmit my application. As I continue with my EMT academy, I am looking into the Sonography (General, Cardiac or Vascular) and Radiology programs too. I've checked the classes needed and I had nearly every single one already. Applications for the program are due Jan 31st and I would begin in May, if accepted. This would give me about a month off after ending my EMT academy before starting classes again.

So, maybe I need to continue with EMS, allowing myself the opportunity to help others and fufill the calling I feel I have, while pursuing Sonography or Radiology. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a nurse afterall. Or at least, not right now! During our orientation tonight, we were introduced to a "newly licensed nurse" who worked as a tech for ten years before getting his nursing degree! So who knows, maybe someday I'll get there.

Something else I wanted to add... Have you ever had a conversation with someone about something that, at the time, didn't ring any bells? Last Friday, I went in for some cardiac testing. I had an Echo done by a woman who told me she had been doing Cardiac Sonography for the last five years. She went on to say that she had been going to nursing school, moved and dropped out. She then later became interested in Sonography and pursued her present career. She said she loves her job! Near the end of the Echo, I shared with her that I had been trying to get into the Nursing program and was currently in EMT Academy. She wished me luck and I went on my way. It wasn't until I had come home, checked an email from a friend a day later and realized that maybe this was the sign I had asked for previously.

Maybe it is...maybe not. In the mean time, I need to keep my focus on what I feel my true calling is. To help others.

And so, it is done...

This morning, Mr. Turtle, the little guy and I headed out to submit my Nursing Application! Jonathon is in love with his turtle and carries it nearly everywhere we go. Today, Mr. Turtle went to college! I'm not sure how much he really learned though. It seems that turtles tend to attract a great deal of attention when they are in the arms of an adorable little boy. Or maybe it was the fact that Jonathon was practicing his long pass with his fuzzy, little, nearly shaped like a football friend. Come to think of it, I'm pretty certain that the tossing of Mr. Turtle is what captured the attention of most. However, in my Mommy mind I'll continue to deny forget just how much of a little turtle-tossing stinker he was today. Maybe his pure cuteness will be enough to land me a spot in the Nursing Program.



This was from our Saturday night football game (Austin's). Jonathon wanted nothing to do with sitting down to watch the game. He had his own game to play. As he kicked and tossed the football around, I was able to capture a few photos. Of course, he discovered a new game in the process. Imagine his delight when he realized he could throw the football over the fence, onto the track and then crawl under the fence to retrieve it. And yes, we sent him under the fence to get the ball. Did you really think I was going to wiggle my way under that fence? Ha! He seemed to think it was pretty fun! (I hate adding unedited photos to my blog but it's getting late and I'm running out of time!)





Here is a rare moment I caught during the game as well. Lately, the girls have been bickering every-single-day! It's enough to drive a parent up the wall. Yet, I still love them to pieces.


Sleep well, my friends.
Until next time,
-Bec

Scrambled Chaos with a side of Brain to go, please

Sunday July 31, 2008

Today has been an irritating day. There really is no one reason why. I’m just irritated by every single thing! It doesn’t matter what someone says or does. Heck, they can just look at me wrong and it sets me off. I hate it when I have days like this. It makes the day longer and more exhausting than most other days.

My life The house feels like it is buzzing around me. The dishes need done. A load of wash awaits in both the washer, dryer and dirty clothes bin. The bathroom needs scrubbed. The floor needs cleaned. And the kids need to be in bed. All things that need to be done and yet, I don’t have the energy to do anything other than to sit on the couch and do nothing! Of course, my back continues to throb and is a huge reason I don’t want to do anything. Add to the mix the drowsiness from the pain medicine that lingers on and I'm nearly a basket case.

As I sit here watching Hopkins, it is making me question myself for wanting to work in the medical field. I watch as parents face a premature birth, resulting in losing their child shortly after due to complications. Later, they show a child, likely near the age of my oldest son, that collapses while playing basketball. Unfortunately, he too passes away. And now, a premature 3 month old is brought in for possible SBS. (Shaken Baby Syndrome). Head injuries, broken ribs, and obvious trauma. Oh how I hope I am never faced with any of these situations once I’m working, even if it is unrealistic to think I could avoid such tragedies. I fully understand that in medicine, there is life and there is death. It’s a harsh reality of life. One we all must face. I also know that in medicine, there are miracles. Miracles that are unexplainable. I can only hope that there will be more miracles in my experiences than heartache.

Having taken the summer off from school has been very helpful in preserving what sanity I may have left. However, it has also reminds me that I still am so very close yet so far away from reaching my dreams. I had that harsh reality planted before my face today. I made a trip to the college I’ve been attending after seeing a “suspension” placed on my account. I had no idea why there was an issue as I’m in good academic standing with no fear of a GPA issue. After getting there, I was informed that I had earned “too many credits without a degree.” I explained to them that I have earned two already but since I wasn’t in the Nursing program, they had me change my program to a General Associates. Since I’ve already obtained that, and still not in the program, I now have to file an appeal in order to receive additional funding for my education. I then told them that I would be transferring to another college because I wasn’t waiting any longer to get into their program. I now have to check with the new college to see if this is going to be an issue with them as well. Just another reminder that I’m still without the degree I’ve been working so hard to get. It’s quite frustrating.

Is this the degree I’m suppose to be pursuing? Or am I chasing after a dream that isn’t meant to be? I feel, deep in my heart, that my calling is to be a nurse. I feel it in my heart, my soul, my bones. But perhaps I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not suppose to be a nurse. How do I know? When will I know? How much more time do I invest before I finally give up a dream I’ve been trying to fulfill for so long just to choose something else that in my heart (at this point) doesn’t feel right. I’m simply overwhelmed at what I’m suppose to be searching for. What I’m suppose to be doing. What is right. What is my calling. Where I should be. Tonight, I feel completely confused.

I have registered for my fall classes. Hopefully the financial aid information will reach the appropriate people and be granted at the right time. I’ll be starting classes in less than three weeks and am dependant solely on the student loans for my education. I have some things that I need to accomplish before my applications are due. I’m submitting the Respiratory application by August 31 and the Nursing application by October 1. I am hoping that I will be accepted into one or the other program and begin in January. If I get a denial for the nursing program for the third time, I don’t know what I’ll do. Please, send some strength vibes my way. I need them.

On a side note, today was the day our house was to go up for auction. Neither of us could bring ourselves to go and see what it went for.

I'll leave you with that for now. Off to wrestle a two year old who took a very late cat nap and won't sleep now. Arghhh....

I'm gonna WIN

As promised, I said I would share with you what is rattling around inside my head. So here I am, at 4:30 in the morning, unable to sleep.

Lately, I've had several people ask me if I was a nurse yet or if I was working. I can't tell you how much that stings. I know people aren't being hurtful by asking. It bothers me though because I don't believe these people understand the difficulty of getting accepted into the Nursing Programs. Applications are accepted one time a year with approximately 80 open spots. They are highly competitive. The one I have applied to (twice now) is very difficult to get into, especially if you are not working in the medical field with direct patient care in addition to getting a 4.0 in every class. I did quite well with my grades, having 3.5-4.0's for the majority of them. However, my work experience is not "direct patient care" and therefore, does not count. Having said all this, I guess I just wish I didn't have to explain myself to everyone that asks "how much longer". Even though they are curious, it makes me feel like a failure in a sense. It's one of those things that you want it so bad that you can nearly feel it, yet it's still so far away. Anyways, it is what it is...

This month is when I will find out my fate with one particular college regarding my Nursing application. I don't anticipate being accepted to their program, yet again. If I've done all my calculations correctly, I will have missed the cut off by a hair. One part of the point calculations consist of a few select classes and the overall GPA you earned in those particular classes. I had a 3.23 and needed a 3.25 in order to get the five additional points. Those points would have given me a spot in the program for sure. So, for now, I sit and wait, praying that a miracle will happen and that I will be accepted.

So, while pondering these thoughts in my head for the past few months, I decided to check out another program at a different college. I had my transcript sent and evualated. Before it was complete, I met with an advisor who briefly went over my transfer classes to give me an idea of what I would need to take in order to get into their program. I left the meeting discouraged as I was going to need to retake some classes. Fast forward to about a month later. I received the letter from this college with the transfer equivalencies. I glanced over it briefly. I let more time pass as I tried to figure out what I was going to do about the summer and fall semesters this year.

Today, I decided to dig into the packet of paperwork I had and mark down what transferred and what I had left to do. As I was doing this, I realized that those classes I was told I'd need to retake actually transferred over! I don't have to retake those classes! As I continued, I found that there is one class that I can take to help me get 5 more points for this colleges program. Other than that, there is only one more mandatory class that I'll have to complete in addition to actual nursing classes. In short, I can apply to this program NOW (the deadline is Oct 1st-starting the program in January). So, that is what I plan to do. I will need to take the NET exam (Nursing Entrance Testing) that is required.

I can't tell you how pumped up I was when I realized that my classes transferred over! What a relief. Perhaps it's closer than I thought. I can not wait!

Anyways, I had to share my news. A few weeks ago, I put an old CD in and listened as these words were sang. It speaks what is on my heart.

Win
by Brian McKnight
Dark is the night, I can weather the storm.
Never say die, I've been down this road before.
I'll never quit, I'll never lay down.
See, I've promised myself that I'd never let me down, so, I'll never give up, never give in.
Never let a ray of doubt slip in.
And if I fall, I'll never faint,
I'll just get up and try again.
Never lose hope, never lose faith,
There's much too much at stake,
Upon myself I must depend.
I'm not looking for plays to show, I'm gonna win.
No stopping now, there's still a ways to go.
Ohh, someway, somehow.
Whatever it takes, I know,
I'll never quit, no, no.
I'll never go down.
I'll make sure they remember my name.
A hundred years from now. I'll never give up, never give in.
Never let a ray of doubt slip in.
And if I fall, I'll never faint,
I'll just get up and try again.
Never lose hope, never lose faith,
There's much too much at stake,
Upon myself I must depend.
I'm not looking for plays to show, I'm gonna win. When it's all said and done,
My once in a lifetime won back again.
Now is the time, to take a stand.
Here is my chance, that's why, I'll never give up, never give in.
Never let a ray of doubt slip in.
And if I fall, I'll never faint,
I'll just get up and try again.
Never lose hope, never lose faith,
There's much too much at stake,
Upon myself I must depend.
I'm not looking for plays to show, I'm gonna win. I'm gonna win.

In His time...

Defeated. Frustrated. Angry. That's what I feel tonight. I have so many thoughts racing through my head and I'll admit that most of them are not nice.

As you know, I turned in my application for the nursing program. Before doing so, I was required to meet with an advisor who is in charge of the program. I went to my appointment hopeful. I left feeling defeated.

On one hand, I don't understand why a dream I long to fulfill has to be so difficult to reach. However, I am reminded that in His time, what is meant to be will be.

The advisor told me I didn't have enough points. I turned my application in anyways. In order to receive the five additional points I needed, my GPA for selected courses needed to be a 3.25. I had a 3.23. I was devastated!

There are options but I'm at a loss as to what way I need to go. I have committed two full years fulfilling the required classes and obtaining a general associates degree. Yet, for the second time, I am denied. The advisor told me not to be depressed over it. To take the next year, retake classes I didn't 4.0 and reapply in March 2009. I pay for college with student loans. We don't qualify for any type of grants. I wanted to ask her if she planned on contributing financially. However, all I could say was "This is incredibly frustrating." I wanted to say so much more but for fear of breaking down sobbing, I refrained.

I've checked into another local college. I can apply there October 1st. I missed the spring deadline due to one class that didn't transfer over.

I have a lead on another college that is an hour away. I'm really not wanting to drive an hour each way; however, I feel like I have no choice.

I just feel lost. I have been blessed with the amazing gift of being allowed to stay home with my children and watch them grow up. I have poured myself into my classes over the last two years with the hopes of reaching my dream of helping others and being a contributor financially to our family. To know that I am so close yet still so far away is heartbreaking.

The disappointment stings my heart. Especially when there are so many who have seen me put all of this time into my classes and question while I'm still not in a program. Those are the people who don't understand just how competitive and difficult it is to get into a nursing program. I am so thankful for my husband for understanding what this news does to my soul. He has encouraged me to continue the fight. To not step back. To not stop. We know that in time, I will achieve my dream. Not in my time.

In His time.