Over the past month, I have watched my life unfold from what I thought was a perfectly wrapped gift into an immense, heaping pile of a crumpled mess. How fitting that this happened during the holiday season when the focus is on gifts, beautifully wrapped and given to those most deserving in your life.
The last four weeks have been difficult. There are stages that one must travel through when you are dealing with such intense grief. The death of a marriage, especially when you are kept in the dark for over a year and taken by complete surprise, is devastating. When you pour your heart and soul into creating a marriage, a family, a life only to have it ripped out from under your feet is shocking. To be told by the one person that you thought you could trust that he had been emotionally and physically involved with someone else for over the past year is like having someone rip your heart out of your chest. To know that you had given your all to him only to have him give himself to someone else is an indescribable pain, especially when it happens more than once.
Everyone said that things do get easier with each passing day. The first two weeks, I couldn't imagine how any of this could become easier. Easy seemed so far out of my vocabulary. My world had been shattered. My life, unrecognizable. Each day was a struggle. I watched him walk away from his family, his responsibilities, from our marriage so that he could play and enjoy his newfound freedom with her. I had to push myself just to get out of bed and perform my daily functions. My life, although it seemed over, still went on. The world did not stop so that I could deal with my grief. My children needed me more than ever. The household still had to function. Life moved on and once again, my strength came through and allowed me to pick up the pieces that he left scattered on the floor.
Four weeks later, I still try to wrap my mind around this; however, I know deep in my heart that I will never be able to. I will never understand how you can intentionally hurt those that you declare to love so deeply in the fashion that it was done. Unimaginable. To be so deceitful, dishonest, and carry yourself in such a cowardly fashion is unexplainable. How difficult it must have been to live such a double lifestyle for so long. Once you weave such a tangled web of lies, it entraps you, allowing you to spin lie after lie until eventually you can’t keep up with them any longer.
Through this all, people have and will continue to form their own opinions, including your children. Just as each coin has two sides, so does each story. The evidence speaks for itself and it is very abundant. I know who I am, what I stand for, and that I am not to blame for your infidelities throughout the years. Those who you thought you could trust with your dirty little secrets have come out of the woodwork and exposed you for who you really are. The credibility, integrity, ethics, and morals become questionable when things are done out of pure deceit. Every day brings a new deception, more damning evidence and more lies that had been woven so tightly but are now becoming an unwoven mess that falls around you, trapping you inside and preventing your escape. From the inside, you continue to believe that the window into your soul is tinted, prohibiting those on the outside from seeing the real you and all that you have done. However, the window to your soul is clear, allowing everyone around you to take a glimpse inside, witnessing your troubled, broken soul. From the outside, it is painfully obvious.
And so, life moves on. A new beginning. A new chapter. It's still difficult. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. The pain, sometimes so overwhelming, is still there. The disappointment increases with each day. The broken promises continue to increase as well. The fear of the unknown takes my breath away. For I must now find a new life, for the life I thought I had made was nothing but a farce. Everything I had hoped for, dreamed about, worked towards in hopes of creating a better life for my family is gone! The values that I thought were important to both of us were only important to one of us. I am saddened by the loss of what I thought we had and what I thought we stood for. However, with each passing day, I am discovering that all of those things were created on lies. When something is built on lies it has no other choice but to crumble.
Something built on truth, trust, morals, love and a solid foundation will flourish into something magnificent. I know that my magnificent is out there, waiting to be discovered. I will discover it. It may not be this year and it may not be next year but in time, I will find love again. True love. Love that is pure, healthy, and abundant. Love that is unconditional. I will find someone that not only extends their love to myself but most importantly, to my children. Someone who is willing to accept them unconditionally. I know that the wait will be worth it. Until then, I will guard the hearts of my children and myself for I know what is best for them. I, being the adult, know that the minds and hearts of my children are confused and broken. They are traveling a new road just as I. And while they may put a front on for you, they are hurting inside. They are afraid. They are filled with uncertainty. They walk this path with unsteady steps for fear that if they express disappointment, hurt, anger, or disagree with you, that you will leave them all together.
You have hurt them beyond anything you will ever comprehend. Allowing a new person into their lives less than two weeks after their family unraveled is selfish. For if this were “true love” then why the rush to bring her into their lives? You will find that they will grow to resent you for these actions. Your limited time with the children should be focused on them, not on creating a new instant family. She may have started “playing house” with my husband but she will NEVER take the place of me in the lives of my children. The children have one mother, period.
Try as you may, these children do see through your selfish ways. They do see where your loyalty lies. They see where your commitment is. They are much smarter than you give them credit for. You believe that the children are fine and have no issues with regards to creating this instant new family or your abandonment. This idea is far from the truth. I would encourage you to sit with them in a counseling session, read their journals, and research what you can on the various ways a divorce will impact a child. Or perhaps you are too afraid of what you may find out.
And so, I wish you luck. You will need it, as will she. As you both are enjoying your greener grass on the other side, keep in mind that what comes around, goes around. While you are off building your new life on lies, deceit, infidelity, lust and instability the children and I are building a much bigger, brighter, solid future without you.
2 months ago