Three Months down...

Time has continued to move forward, sometimes too slowly. It's been three months now since the world I was living in was rocked, similar to my very own earthquake. Each day brings reminders of what I thought my life was as well as what it truly is. The house is now filled with things of mine, reminders of what is waiting out there for the children and I, and of course the reminders that I have five amazing children who love and need me.

I have to admit, three months ago I did not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt intense pain every single day. I suppose that is expected when you truly love someone, give them everything you have and they walk away.

Now three months later, I see that light. I'm beginning to feel the incredible feelings that I thought I'd never feel again. I've met some amazing people who actually encourage me, show their feelings, and let me be me. They genuinely care and have concern for what the children and I are dealing with at any particular point. They are willing to jump in and help out with even the slightest thing. These are things I have not had in a long time. It feels great to have those in my life again.

Slowly, the recovery process is being carried out, at least for me. Unfortunately, I'm left to be the one to pick up the pieces and finish the job, again! When "HE" left here, he took his basic things and was gone, leaving behind everything else. The dining room was still packed full of boxes from the previous move. The garage is packed full of his things which all need to be gone through. Every single day, I have to look at these things because he left them here. For him, out of sight is out of mind. For me, It's a slap in the face day in and day out. It's been three months now, he should have had his things gone long ago. I sure hope that his new admirer enjoys clutter because he has more than his share to take from here as well as from his parents house. I've done more than my share of boxing up his items for him from inside the house. It's not my job to do his work for him anymore. I've done that long enough. Now someone else can do that for him. I hope they enjoy it.

This weekend I sent another load of his stuff home with him. I have about ten more boxes to go through in the house and then his presence will no longer linger in my home. I'll admit, it was rather difficult this weekend as I unloaded the boxes filled with our wedding items. The wine glasses were completely shattered, just as he shattered our marriage, vows and all. The cake knives, the wedding pictures, everything except the cards and wedding book. Those disappeared months ago when he decided to throw a box of MY things in a fire without opening it to see what was inside. Another reflection on how he threw himself into a fire without realizing the leap he was taking. It's ironic how once the repercussion's surface, he starts to realize just what he's done, what he's lost, what he's given up and what he will no longer have in his life. I suppose he's finally realizing that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Maybe if he had taken the marriage vows to heart "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in good times and bad..." he would have realized that marriages are work, hard work. Things are not handed over to you. You don't get to pick and choose the good times and forget the bad. Maybe, just maybe, he should remember back over the last 14 years and see all of the changes that I made in order to support his decisions. To support his job changes, his endeavors, his demands and ultimately the decision that would lead him to be closer to his mistress and farther away from his family.

Looking back, I have seen that I've given myself so freely through the years. Once I started having a mind of my own, standing up for myself, and realizing that I do have a say in where I live, the dreams I pursue, and that my life goals are attainable, he started having issues. I am a strong, determined, hardworking, giving, loving woman. I have dreams, desires and goals and I refuse to sit back and watch them pass me by.

I became focused on reaching those goals and unfortunately for him, he was unable to handle the responsibilities that it then put on him. Yes, he had to step up and watch the children (HIS CHILDREN) more often. Yes, he had to put forth more effort for the family home, contribute to the chores, etc. Apparently, it also cut into his play time with his mistress as well. Heaven forbid, he forget the years and years I've supported him and taken on the responsibilities at home so that the children would have the best upbringing we could give them. How easy it was for him to forget the hours I'd put into raising our children while he was off doing things for him, making sure all doctor, dental, and other appointments were made and attended. The hours I spent making sure the children had clothing that fit them, appropriately aged toys, and making sure the items that were not fitting for them were packed up and donated. Cleaning the house, scrubbing the floors, bathtub, toilets, sinks, and actually moving the furniture so that whatever may be shoved under it could be cleaned as well. Making sure bills were taken care of, groceries were bought, and what about the kids... Who made sure their rooms were tended to? Who sat with them for hours and hours making sure their homework was done? Who stayed in contact with their teachers, counselors, and doctors? The field trips, parties, notes from school and after school activities...who took care of that? Who made sure the kids were in sports which meant I took on practices four nights a week in two different locations all while tending to the other three young children? It was I that did that all while pulling 16 to 20 credits in college all without the help of HIM. Who supported HIM when he decided that he wanted to switch plants or shifts? How many nights was I alone with the children while he was off tending to the needs of others to fufill his own desires? And yet, even though I was alone the majority of the time, it was he who chose this road and then asked me why I had pushed him out. Go figure. The numerous lies he told about not being able to switch shifts or not being able to take time off work for things such as his son's recent SURGERY...lies! All lies!

The best indicator of your future is to look at your past. My "track record" speaks for itself. Those that have taken the time to truly know me, know about the sacrifices I've made through the years. I find it ironic that the blame is being shifted over onto me and yet HE is unable to look people in the face. At least he gave a more truthful, even if not fully honest, answer to the courts when he stated how long this affair had been in progress. Apparently, he is not only able to lie directly to me but also everyone else around him, friends, family and even his mistress. For if he hadn't told the mistress so many lies that she too, obviously believes, then she would see things a bit clearer. I still can't fathom how someone can come home, make love to their spouse, talk about their dreams, the future, the present, share the things we did and then the next day "confess." To know that he had been sleeping with me the entire time that this had gone on as well as with her, sickens me. To know that he felt the need to climb into my bed the same night he told me he had been unfaithful for over the last year is appalling.

Did she know you were sleeping with both of us until the very end?

If so, then she is as sick as he is. And if not, now you have a glimpse of my world. Just beware, his "track record" shows that you, the current mistress, are not the first nor will you be the last!!!! You may enjoy the hose you're playing with now but real firemen use bigger hoses to get the job done right. Enjoy the ride...while it lasts.

I am a survivor

Life has changed tremendously in the last two months. Sometimes, I pinch myself just to remember that I'm not dreaming. This is my new life! The first month was pretty rough. So many changes came that first month for the children and I. We had to learn a new routine that involved only the six of us. I became a single mom of five young children who needed reassurance, sometimes hourly, that Momma was not going anywhere.

The holidays approached but this year, things were so different. Traditions were changed. The children were blessed beyond belief by some wonderful people that made sure this Christmas was just as important as previous ones. I made sure to do my best at creating the holiday spirit for the kids even though at times, I wanted nothing to do with the holiday. The tree was decorated. I wrapped each present and carefully placed them under it. Each stocking was filled with goodies. And I awaited the smiles that would cross the faces of my children on Christmas morning.

After the holidays, the hustle and bustle of returning to school became the focus. The kids returned to classes, I began full time paramedic school and life kept moving forward.

As we begin February 2010, I am reminded that just as 2009 has come to a close and just as January 2010 has closed, the chapter in my life that began 18 years ago is in it's final stages and soon will be closed as well. The memories and my children will be carried on into the new chapter that has already begun.

I have had countless hours of deep self reflection and have learned so much about myself over the last two months. I am a survivor. I will be just fine. I'm seeing that with each and every day that passes.

I am stronger than I ever thought I was. Even in my deepest moments of despair, I am strong enough to maintain my dignity, my self respect, my composure, and continue to stay true to my values, morals, and ethics. Others will continue to try to break me down, yet I refuse to let them. I know who I am. I know what I stand for. And I know that I have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I have done nothing wrong.

I am an amazing mother who has sacrificed the last twelve years of my life for my five wonderful children. I will continue to sacrifice whatever it takes in order to give my children the absolute best life I possibly can. The life they deserve! I am an unconditional friend who would lend a helping hand to anyone I could. My love radiates to all of those in my life. I am a hard working, dedicated, loving woman who is willing to do whatever it takes to reach the goals she has set in her life. Nothing you say or do will ever stop me from doing that. I will make a better life for my children and myself. The power is now mine! You will not stop me nor hold me back from my dreams.

I have learned that I have the most wonderful friends ever! When I reach out for a hand, someone is always there to grab hold and lead me out of the darkness. This path has dark moments. It has painful moments. There are times that I am not able to venture on this journey alone. Those are the times that the many blessed friends I am surrounded by reach out to me, take my hand and lead the way. I thank God each and every day for every single one of you. You are amazing!

Although this journey has taken me down painful paths, I have found many new friends along the way. I have learned that I am not the only one who has been broken down by infidelity. Unfortunately, there are way too many of us that have experienced this devastating, all-too-common incident. To you, my new friends, I'm sorry we have met on such terms. I will be forever grateful; however, for the bonds we have formed. There is nobody that can quite understand where you're at, what you're feeling, or truly know what it is like unless they have been there. You, my friends, know. I'm sorry you've been hurt as well but grateful that we have had the opportunity to meet and share our experiences together. May we have many years of friendship ahead.

I have learned that no matter how long you've known someone, you never really KNOW them. It's sad, really.

I have learned that those who are guilty can never admit their guilt. Instead, they run from the truth. Eventually, that catches up to them.

I've learned that the grieving process is a difficult process. While one will grieve in the beginning, the other will be preoccupied. Eventually, the first person becomes a stronger, better person and moves on with their life while the other person must then deal with their loss for the first time.

I have learned that gratification may not be instant. In time, all good things come to those who wait. The beginning may be torture but in time, that torture turns into triumph as you sit back and watch others have to wade through the mess they have created.

I have learned that Karma exists.

I have learned that no matter how good you think you are at telling lies, they will be uncovered and you will be exposed for who you really are. The truth truly does set you free.

I have learned that misery loves company. I'm glad that three's a crowd. I don't have to be the misery or the company any longer.

I have learned that you never truly know what you're missing out on when you have settled for what you believed to have been "normal".

I have learned that relationships are never suppose to be one sided. There should always be 100% from both sides. A true partner will be there all the time to walk along the path of life with you, not just when it is convenient or feels good.

I have learned that there are still some amazing people left in this world and I'm so glad to have found them.

The past two months have opened my eyes up to a whole new world. While sadness fills my heart at times, the joy and endless possibilities ahead overshadow that sadness and I am once again reminded that I am a survivor!

I wish you...

Over the past month, I have watched my life unfold from what I thought was a perfectly wrapped gift into an immense, heaping pile of a crumpled mess. How fitting that this happened during the holiday season when the focus is on gifts, beautifully wrapped and given to those most deserving in your life.

The last four weeks have been difficult. There are stages that one must travel through when you are dealing with such intense grief. The death of a marriage, especially when you are kept in the dark for over a year and taken by complete surprise, is devastating. When you pour your heart and soul into creating a marriage, a family, a life only to have it ripped out from under your feet is shocking. To be told by the one person that you thought you could trust that he had been emotionally and physically involved with someone else for over the past year is like having someone rip your heart out of your chest. To know that you had given your all to him only to have him give himself to someone else is an indescribable pain, especially when it happens more than once.

Everyone said that things do get easier with each passing day. The first two weeks, I couldn't imagine how any of this could become easier. Easy seemed so far out of my vocabulary. My world had been shattered. My life, unrecognizable. Each day was a struggle. I watched him walk away from his family, his responsibilities, from our marriage so that he could play and enjoy his newfound freedom with her. I had to push myself just to get out of bed and perform my daily functions. My life, although it seemed over, still went on. The world did not stop so that I could deal with my grief. My children needed me more than ever. The household still had to function. Life moved on and once again, my strength came through and allowed me to pick up the pieces that he left scattered on the floor.

Four weeks later, I still try to wrap my mind around this; however, I know deep in my heart that I will never be able to. I will never understand how you can intentionally hurt those that you declare to love so deeply in the fashion that it was done. Unimaginable. To be so deceitful, dishonest, and carry yourself in such a cowardly fashion is unexplainable. How difficult it must have been to live such a double lifestyle for so long. Once you weave such a tangled web of lies, it entraps you, allowing you to spin lie after lie until eventually you can’t keep up with them any longer.

Through this all, people have and will continue to form their own opinions, including your children. Just as each coin has two sides, so does each story. The evidence speaks for itself and it is very abundant. I know who I am, what I stand for, and that I am not to blame for your infidelities throughout the years. Those who you thought you could trust with your dirty little secrets have come out of the woodwork and exposed you for who you really are. The credibility, integrity, ethics, and morals become questionable when things are done out of pure deceit. Every day brings a new deception, more damning evidence and more lies that had been woven so tightly but are now becoming an unwoven mess that falls around you, trapping you inside and preventing your escape. From the inside, you continue to believe that the window into your soul is tinted, prohibiting those on the outside from seeing the real you and all that you have done. However, the window to your soul is clear, allowing everyone around you to take a glimpse inside, witnessing your troubled, broken soul. From the outside, it is painfully obvious.

And so, life moves on. A new beginning. A new chapter. It's still difficult. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. The pain, sometimes so overwhelming, is still there. The disappointment increases with each day. The broken promises continue to increase as well. The fear of the unknown takes my breath away. For I must now find a new life, for the life I thought I had made was nothing but a farce. Everything I had hoped for, dreamed about, worked towards in hopes of creating a better life for my family is gone! The values that I thought were important to both of us were only important to one of us. I am saddened by the loss of what I thought we had and what I thought we stood for. However, with each passing day, I am discovering that all of those things were created on lies. When something is built on lies it has no other choice but to crumble.

Something built on truth, trust, morals, love and a solid foundation will flourish into something magnificent. I know that my magnificent is out there, waiting to be discovered. I will discover it. It may not be this year and it may not be next year but in time, I will find love again. True love. Love that is pure, healthy, and abundant. Love that is unconditional. I will find someone that not only extends their love to myself but most importantly, to my children. Someone who is willing to accept them unconditionally. I know that the wait will be worth it. Until then, I will guard the hearts of my children and myself for I know what is best for them. I, being the adult, know that the minds and hearts of my children are confused and broken. They are traveling a new road just as I. And while they may put a front on for you, they are hurting inside. They are afraid. They are filled with uncertainty. They walk this path with unsteady steps for fear that if they express disappointment, hurt, anger, or disagree with you, that you will leave them all together.

You have hurt them beyond anything you will ever comprehend. Allowing a new person into their lives less than two weeks after their family unraveled is selfish. For if this were “true love” then why the rush to bring her into their lives? You will find that they will grow to resent you for these actions. Your limited time with the children should be focused on them, not on creating a new instant family. She may have started “playing house” with my husband but she will NEVER take the place of me in the lives of my children. The children have one mother, period.

Try as you may, these children do see through your selfish ways. They do see where your loyalty lies. They see where your commitment is. They are much smarter than you give them credit for. You believe that the children are fine and have no issues with regards to creating this instant new family or your abandonment. This idea is far from the truth. I would encourage you to sit with them in a counseling session, read their journals, and research what you can on the various ways a divorce will impact a child. Or perhaps you are too afraid of what you may find out.

And so, I wish you luck. You will need it, as will she. As you both are enjoying your greener grass on the other side, keep in mind that what comes around, goes around. While you are off building your new life on lies, deceit, infidelity, lust and instability the children and I are building a much bigger, brighter, solid future without you.

I wish you...

Over the past month, I have watched my life unfold from what I thought was a perfectly wrapped gift into an immense, heaping pile of a crumpled mess. How fitting that this happened during the holiday season when the focus is on gifts, beautifully wrapped and given to those most deserving in your life.

The last four weeks have been difficult. There are stages that one must travel through when you are dealing with such intense grief. The death of a marriage, especially when you are kept in the dark for over a year and taken by complete surprise, is devastating. When you pour your heart and soul into creating a marriage, a family, a life only to have it ripped out from under your feet is shocking. To be told by the one person that you thought you could trust that he had been emotionally and physically involved with someone else for over the past year is like having someone rip your heart out of your chest. To know that you had given your all to him only to have him give himself to someone else is an indescribable pain, especially when it happens more than once.

Everyone said that things do get easier with each passing day. The first two weeks, I couldn't imagine how any of this could become easier. Easy seemed so far out of my vocabulary. My world had been shattered. My life, unrecognizable. Each day was a struggle. I watched him walk away from his family, his responsibilities, from our marriage so that he could play and enjoy his newfound freedom with her. I had to push myself just to get out of bed and perform my daily functions. My life, although it seemed over, still went on. The world did not stop so that I could deal with my grief. My children needed me more than ever. The household still had to function. Life moved on and once again, my strength came through and allowed me to pick up the pieces that he left scattered on the floor.

Four weeks later, I still try to wrap my mind around this; however, I know deep in my heart that I will never be able to. I will never understand how you can intentionally hurt those that you declare to love so deeply in the fashion that it was done. Unimaginable. To be so deceitful, dishonest, and carry yourself in such a cowardly fashion is unexplainable. How difficult it must have been to live such a double lifestyle for so long. Once you weave such a tangled web of lies, it entraps you, allowing you to spin lie after lie until eventually you can’t keep up with them any longer.

Through this all, people have and will continue to form their own opinions, including your children. Just as each coin has two sides, so does each story. The evidence speaks for itself and it is very abundant. I know who I am, what I stand for, and that I am not to blame for your infidelities throughout the years. Those who you thought you could trust with your dirty little secrets have come out of the woodwork and exposed you for who you really are. The credibility, integrity, ethics, and morals become questionable when things are done out of pure deceit. Every day brings a new deception, more damning evidence and more lies that had been woven so tightly but are now becoming an unwoven mess that falls around you, trapping you inside and preventing your escape. From the inside, you continue to believe that the window into your soul is tinted, prohibiting those on the outside from seeing the real you and all that you have done. However, the window to your soul is clear, allowing everyone around you to take a glimpse inside, witnessing your troubled, broken soul. From the outside, it is painfully obvious.

And so, life moves on. A new beginning. A new chapter. It's still difficult. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. The pain, sometimes so overwhelming, is still there. The disappointment increases with each day. The broken promises continue to increase as well. The fear of the unknown takes my breath away. For I must now find a new life, for the life I thought I had made was nothing but a farce. Everything I had hoped for, dreamed about, worked towards in hopes of creating a better life for my family is gone! The values that I thought were important to both of us were only important to one of us. I am saddened by the loss of what I thought we had and what I thought we stood for. However, with each passing day, I am discovering that all of those things were created on lies. When something is built on lies it has no other choice but to crumble.

Something built on truth, trust, morals, love and a solid foundation will flourish into something magnificent. I know that my magnificent is out there, waiting to be discovered. I will discover it. It may not be this year and it may not be next year but in time, I will find love again. True love. Love that is pure, healthy, and abundant. Love that is unconditional. I will find someone that not only extends their love to myself but most importantly, to my children. Someone who is willing to accept them unconditionally. I know that the wait will be worth it. Until then, I will guard the hearts of my children and myself for I know what is best for them. I, being the adult, know that the minds and hearts of my children are confused and broken. They are traveling a new road just as I. And while they may put a front on for you, they are hurting inside. They are afraid. They are filled with uncertainty. They walk this path with unsteady steps for fear that if they express disappointment, hurt, anger, or disagree with you, that you will leave them all together.

You have hurt them beyond anything you will ever comprehend. Allowing a new person into their lives less than two weeks after their family unraveled is selfish. For if this were “true love” then why the rush to bring her into their lives? You will find that they will grow to resent you for these actions. Your limited time with the children should be focused on them, not on creating a new instant family. She may have started “playing house” with my husband but she will NEVER take the place of me in the lives of my children. The children have one mother, period.

Try as you may, these children do see through your selfish ways. They do see where your loyalty lies. They see where your commitment is. They are much smarter than you give them credit for. You believe that the children are fine and have no issues with regards to creating this instant new family or your abandonment. This idea is far from the truth. I would encourage you to sit with them in a counseling session, read their journals, and research what you can on the various ways a divorce will impact a child. Or perhaps you are too afraid of what you may find out.

And so, I wish you luck. You will need it, as will she. As you both are enjoying your greener grass on the other side, keep in mind that what comes around, goes around. While you are off building your new life on lies, deceit, infidelity, lust and instability the children and I are building a much bigger, brighter, solid future without you.

Starting Over!

Life's about change, or at least that's what I've been told. That proved to be true for the children and I. On the morning of November 30th, we were told that the past year of our lives had been nothing but a lie. Their father and my husband for the last 14 years had been having a long-time affair. Our lives were shattered! We are now slowly rebuilding a new life without him.

The children have questions that I am unable to answer. Their emotions are all over the place on a day to day basis. They are dealing with the sudden seperation of their parents as well as having a new woman being brought into their lives already. It's a pain that I'm not able to take away for them. Oh, how I wish I could.

Each day is another day forward for us. The six of us will move on and make a better life for us.

Blessings to you all,
Becky & the kids