Three Months down...

Time has continued to move forward, sometimes too slowly. It's been three months now since the world I was living in was rocked, similar to my very own earthquake. Each day brings reminders of what I thought my life was as well as what it truly is. The house is now filled with things of mine, reminders of what is waiting out there for the children and I, and of course the reminders that I have five amazing children who love and need me.

I have to admit, three months ago I did not see a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt intense pain every single day. I suppose that is expected when you truly love someone, give them everything you have and they walk away.

Now three months later, I see that light. I'm beginning to feel the incredible feelings that I thought I'd never feel again. I've met some amazing people who actually encourage me, show their feelings, and let me be me. They genuinely care and have concern for what the children and I are dealing with at any particular point. They are willing to jump in and help out with even the slightest thing. These are things I have not had in a long time. It feels great to have those in my life again.

Slowly, the recovery process is being carried out, at least for me. Unfortunately, I'm left to be the one to pick up the pieces and finish the job, again! When "HE" left here, he took his basic things and was gone, leaving behind everything else. The dining room was still packed full of boxes from the previous move. The garage is packed full of his things which all need to be gone through. Every single day, I have to look at these things because he left them here. For him, out of sight is out of mind. For me, It's a slap in the face day in and day out. It's been three months now, he should have had his things gone long ago. I sure hope that his new admirer enjoys clutter because he has more than his share to take from here as well as from his parents house. I've done more than my share of boxing up his items for him from inside the house. It's not my job to do his work for him anymore. I've done that long enough. Now someone else can do that for him. I hope they enjoy it.

This weekend I sent another load of his stuff home with him. I have about ten more boxes to go through in the house and then his presence will no longer linger in my home. I'll admit, it was rather difficult this weekend as I unloaded the boxes filled with our wedding items. The wine glasses were completely shattered, just as he shattered our marriage, vows and all. The cake knives, the wedding pictures, everything except the cards and wedding book. Those disappeared months ago when he decided to throw a box of MY things in a fire without opening it to see what was inside. Another reflection on how he threw himself into a fire without realizing the leap he was taking. It's ironic how once the repercussion's surface, he starts to realize just what he's done, what he's lost, what he's given up and what he will no longer have in his life. I suppose he's finally realizing that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Maybe if he had taken the marriage vows to heart "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in good times and bad..." he would have realized that marriages are work, hard work. Things are not handed over to you. You don't get to pick and choose the good times and forget the bad. Maybe, just maybe, he should remember back over the last 14 years and see all of the changes that I made in order to support his decisions. To support his job changes, his endeavors, his demands and ultimately the decision that would lead him to be closer to his mistress and farther away from his family.

Looking back, I have seen that I've given myself so freely through the years. Once I started having a mind of my own, standing up for myself, and realizing that I do have a say in where I live, the dreams I pursue, and that my life goals are attainable, he started having issues. I am a strong, determined, hardworking, giving, loving woman. I have dreams, desires and goals and I refuse to sit back and watch them pass me by.

I became focused on reaching those goals and unfortunately for him, he was unable to handle the responsibilities that it then put on him. Yes, he had to step up and watch the children (HIS CHILDREN) more often. Yes, he had to put forth more effort for the family home, contribute to the chores, etc. Apparently, it also cut into his play time with his mistress as well. Heaven forbid, he forget the years and years I've supported him and taken on the responsibilities at home so that the children would have the best upbringing we could give them. How easy it was for him to forget the hours I'd put into raising our children while he was off doing things for him, making sure all doctor, dental, and other appointments were made and attended. The hours I spent making sure the children had clothing that fit them, appropriately aged toys, and making sure the items that were not fitting for them were packed up and donated. Cleaning the house, scrubbing the floors, bathtub, toilets, sinks, and actually moving the furniture so that whatever may be shoved under it could be cleaned as well. Making sure bills were taken care of, groceries were bought, and what about the kids... Who made sure their rooms were tended to? Who sat with them for hours and hours making sure their homework was done? Who stayed in contact with their teachers, counselors, and doctors? The field trips, parties, notes from school and after school activities...who took care of that? Who made sure the kids were in sports which meant I took on practices four nights a week in two different locations all while tending to the other three young children? It was I that did that all while pulling 16 to 20 credits in college all without the help of HIM. Who supported HIM when he decided that he wanted to switch plants or shifts? How many nights was I alone with the children while he was off tending to the needs of others to fufill his own desires? And yet, even though I was alone the majority of the time, it was he who chose this road and then asked me why I had pushed him out. Go figure. The numerous lies he told about not being able to switch shifts or not being able to take time off work for things such as his son's recent SURGERY...lies! All lies!

The best indicator of your future is to look at your past. My "track record" speaks for itself. Those that have taken the time to truly know me, know about the sacrifices I've made through the years. I find it ironic that the blame is being shifted over onto me and yet HE is unable to look people in the face. At least he gave a more truthful, even if not fully honest, answer to the courts when he stated how long this affair had been in progress. Apparently, he is not only able to lie directly to me but also everyone else around him, friends, family and even his mistress. For if he hadn't told the mistress so many lies that she too, obviously believes, then she would see things a bit clearer. I still can't fathom how someone can come home, make love to their spouse, talk about their dreams, the future, the present, share the things we did and then the next day "confess." To know that he had been sleeping with me the entire time that this had gone on as well as with her, sickens me. To know that he felt the need to climb into my bed the same night he told me he had been unfaithful for over the last year is appalling.

Did she know you were sleeping with both of us until the very end?

If so, then she is as sick as he is. And if not, now you have a glimpse of my world. Just beware, his "track record" shows that you, the current mistress, are not the first nor will you be the last!!!! You may enjoy the hose you're playing with now but real firemen use bigger hoses to get the job done right. Enjoy the ride...while it lasts.