I am a survivor

Life has changed tremendously in the last two months. Sometimes, I pinch myself just to remember that I'm not dreaming. This is my new life! The first month was pretty rough. So many changes came that first month for the children and I. We had to learn a new routine that involved only the six of us. I became a single mom of five young children who needed reassurance, sometimes hourly, that Momma was not going anywhere.

The holidays approached but this year, things were so different. Traditions were changed. The children were blessed beyond belief by some wonderful people that made sure this Christmas was just as important as previous ones. I made sure to do my best at creating the holiday spirit for the kids even though at times, I wanted nothing to do with the holiday. The tree was decorated. I wrapped each present and carefully placed them under it. Each stocking was filled with goodies. And I awaited the smiles that would cross the faces of my children on Christmas morning.

After the holidays, the hustle and bustle of returning to school became the focus. The kids returned to classes, I began full time paramedic school and life kept moving forward.

As we begin February 2010, I am reminded that just as 2009 has come to a close and just as January 2010 has closed, the chapter in my life that began 18 years ago is in it's final stages and soon will be closed as well. The memories and my children will be carried on into the new chapter that has already begun.

I have had countless hours of deep self reflection and have learned so much about myself over the last two months. I am a survivor. I will be just fine. I'm seeing that with each and every day that passes.

I am stronger than I ever thought I was. Even in my deepest moments of despair, I am strong enough to maintain my dignity, my self respect, my composure, and continue to stay true to my values, morals, and ethics. Others will continue to try to break me down, yet I refuse to let them. I know who I am. I know what I stand for. And I know that I have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. I have done nothing wrong.

I am an amazing mother who has sacrificed the last twelve years of my life for my five wonderful children. I will continue to sacrifice whatever it takes in order to give my children the absolute best life I possibly can. The life they deserve! I am an unconditional friend who would lend a helping hand to anyone I could. My love radiates to all of those in my life. I am a hard working, dedicated, loving woman who is willing to do whatever it takes to reach the goals she has set in her life. Nothing you say or do will ever stop me from doing that. I will make a better life for my children and myself. The power is now mine! You will not stop me nor hold me back from my dreams.

I have learned that I have the most wonderful friends ever! When I reach out for a hand, someone is always there to grab hold and lead me out of the darkness. This path has dark moments. It has painful moments. There are times that I am not able to venture on this journey alone. Those are the times that the many blessed friends I am surrounded by reach out to me, take my hand and lead the way. I thank God each and every day for every single one of you. You are amazing!

Although this journey has taken me down painful paths, I have found many new friends along the way. I have learned that I am not the only one who has been broken down by infidelity. Unfortunately, there are way too many of us that have experienced this devastating, all-too-common incident. To you, my new friends, I'm sorry we have met on such terms. I will be forever grateful; however, for the bonds we have formed. There is nobody that can quite understand where you're at, what you're feeling, or truly know what it is like unless they have been there. You, my friends, know. I'm sorry you've been hurt as well but grateful that we have had the opportunity to meet and share our experiences together. May we have many years of friendship ahead.

I have learned that no matter how long you've known someone, you never really KNOW them. It's sad, really.

I have learned that those who are guilty can never admit their guilt. Instead, they run from the truth. Eventually, that catches up to them.

I've learned that the grieving process is a difficult process. While one will grieve in the beginning, the other will be preoccupied. Eventually, the first person becomes a stronger, better person and moves on with their life while the other person must then deal with their loss for the first time.

I have learned that gratification may not be instant. In time, all good things come to those who wait. The beginning may be torture but in time, that torture turns into triumph as you sit back and watch others have to wade through the mess they have created.

I have learned that Karma exists.

I have learned that no matter how good you think you are at telling lies, they will be uncovered and you will be exposed for who you really are. The truth truly does set you free.

I have learned that misery loves company. I'm glad that three's a crowd. I don't have to be the misery or the company any longer.

I have learned that you never truly know what you're missing out on when you have settled for what you believed to have been "normal".

I have learned that relationships are never suppose to be one sided. There should always be 100% from both sides. A true partner will be there all the time to walk along the path of life with you, not just when it is convenient or feels good.

I have learned that there are still some amazing people left in this world and I'm so glad to have found them.

The past two months have opened my eyes up to a whole new world. While sadness fills my heart at times, the joy and endless possibilities ahead overshadow that sadness and I am once again reminded that I am a survivor!